I think I’m a hypocrite.

I’ve been angry at God for a while now.
I don’t even know how long.
It just became normal at some point.

I don’t pray anymore.
At least not in any real way.
Most days it feels like no one’s there anyway.

But then I still go back and listen to these worship songs.
The same ones I used to play.

I don’t skip them.
I don’t turn them off.
Sometimes I just sit there and let them play all the way through.

I don’t know what that says about me.

I’ve thought about picking up the guitar and start playing again.
Church music was a big part of my upbringing.
It shaped how I hear things, how I play, how I feel at all.
So maybe this is just instinct.
Maybe something in me is reaching for what used to make sense.

And now I’m here, not even sure what I believe anymore,
but still circling back to it.

It doesn’t make sense.

I don’t remember exactly when I started feeling this way about God.
But I do remember what it felt like.

It felt like being forgotten.
Ignored.
Unheard.

And if I’m being honest, that feeling isn’t new.
That feeling didn’t start with God.

I’ve felt that with people too.
Especially people I cared about.

You reach out.
You wait.
You try again.
And after a while you just stop expecting anything back.

I think that did something to me.

So now when it comes to God, it feels the same.
It feels like my text message was just left on “read.”

And maybe that’s not fair for me to say.
I don’t even know anymore.

All I know is I’m still here.

Still listening to these songs.
Still thinking about playing again.
Still not fully gone, even if I act like I am.

That has to mean something, right?
Or maybe I just haven’t let go yet.

I’m not trying to make this sound nice.
This is just where I’m at right now.

Anyway, this is a song we used to sing back in high school.
It stuck with me for some reason.

I recorded it back in 2008.
This is the first time I turned it into a video.

I almost didn’t post it.
But here it is.

Happy Easter.

According to my “On This Day” reminder, I made this video cover 12 years ago.

You see, the thing about me posting old stuff is so that I can recollect what I was in my past.

Don’t get me wrong.
I hate being reminded of the shitty things that happened in my life.
Or the shitty things I have done on purpose.
This post is not about those.

It’s about the good ones. The good ones are more than welcome.

Like this Video I recorded.
It reminded me that I used to play guitar and can actually sing a complete song.

It also showed me that I read the Twilight series books,
as seen on that bookshelf behind me.
Yes! I actually read them as opposed to the other “To Read” pile of books on my GoodReads account.

Oh, and that shirt I was wearing.
I LOVE that shirt! I still have that to this day.

Sure, it may be so worn out and plagued with holes, but I still wear it.
Unlike Jacob from Twilight who refuses to wear one, but that’s beside the point.

My point from all of this is that I am old
and need to be reminded of who I was from time to time.

Like, get new shirts.
Maybe read a book.

Today was as tough as when she passed on.
It really doesn’t get any easier but life goes on.

And here we are.

I miss her very dearly.