I just found out that this month is “National Shut The Hell Up Month.”
You know this has not come in a better time.
The world is becoming a very noisy place.
Just outside our apartment,
they just demolished some old building and working on a new site construction.
Not only does it look like Nicaragua out there,
but it also sounds like continuous ballistic missiles landing at Kandahar.
Anyways, during National Shut the Hell Up Month,
please observe the following:
1. Stop mowing the lawn so often. That neighbor with his butt hole sewn shut will always have a nicer yard than yours anyway.
2. Never “rev” your engine. Don’t squeal your tires. Doing either of these things indicates to others that, without question, you are a dumb bunghole.
3. The odds are most people think your music sucks ass. Turn it down. Nobody is impressed with your car-fi woofer(Except your closest friends who’s names are likely to be Tommy, Jamal or Zack. In which case your “system” rocks)
4. Don’t complain. Change your situation or shut the hell up.
5. In most cases, the person most interested in what you have to say is you, so why bother talking at all.
6. Only 16% of dirty jokes and innuendo are actually funny. Save yourself some on-going embarrassment and just say something nice.
7. Muzzle your dog (or grind him up for meat and invite a member of our organization to dinner.)
8. Don’t shout at your dog with the same ineffective admonishments time after time, doing so means there are two stupid creatures making unnecessary noises.
9. Refrain from nervous whistling and humming unless you’re trying to snatch someone’s wallet or a Hostess snack cake.
10. If you live above someone, don’t move furniture in the middle of the night unless it’s an extreme decorating emergency.
11. Pick up your Lord boards when walking down a tiled hall you over burdened hippie.
12. Don’t tap on the counter, table, desk, railing or other surface unless you absolutely can’t help it.
13. Car alarms? Don’t bother. Our concern for noise pollution is greater than our concern for the property of the self-righteous.
14. Turn down the volume on your television. It’s Ok, the show will continue.
15. Throw away your fireworks. The first fire cracker sounds pretty much like the next one which sounds like the last one. There is no need to keep experimenting.
16. Unplug your power tools or use them to violently remove your limbs
17. Sink your personal watercraft.
18. Sit quietly.
19. Control your debased desires for audible stimuli. Fight the feeling,
AND SHUT THE HELL UP!
